Shenanigans: take 2
by Trip and Jayne
Summary: A zoo field trip for Ernie's Muggle Studies project results in completely hilarious chaos. followed by a second muggle studies excursion and FINALLY the Hen and Stag nights.
1. The Zoo

Author Note...Happy birthday Trip's Mum!!! We hope you enjoy the creative wrapping paper. Sorry about the tardiness of the present but what with living at opposite ends of the country, that is to be expected. Trip and Jayne.

CHAPTER ONE: THE ZOO

"I still think this is a very bad idea Albus," Minerva hissed as they left the bus.

"Minerva," Albus consoled the professor, "All we're doing is taking the seventh years for a day at a muggle Zoo, what is the worst that could happen?"

"I don't know," Minerva said, "But mark my words, it will happen."

"Goyle, Granger, Greengrass, Hopkins," Professor Jarvis called from her roll, "Hitch that skirt up Mrs Jarvis, show your husband some leg!"

Jayne obliged instantly.

"Mr Jarvis get your hands off my daughter!" Professor Kitteridge yelled.

"Still haven't come to terms with their marriage I see," A voice behind Professor Kitteridge said.

Professor Kitteridge spun around and saw Acacia Brown and Alice Longbottom standing side by side and snickering.

"What are you two doing here?" Ariadne demanded.

"Our bosses found out that Hogwarts was having a field trip and we were sent post haste to make sure no one gets hurt too much." Alice explained grinning.

"Hi Lavender," Acacia called out to her mortified daughter, "Mummy's here for your field trip, and I've brought Aunty Alice too!"

"Mum!" Lavender screamed, "Why do you have to be so embarrassing?"

"Well why do you have to be so boring?" Acacia replied.

* * *

Jayne looked seductively at the head zoo keeper, "Do you think I could have a ride on a giraffe?" she asked sweetly as her mother looked on proudly and her husband snickered.

"No love, you can't," The zoo keeper said, obviously un-phased by her seduction.

Realising the man's sexuality, Jayne snapped her fingers. Michael Corner rounded a corner and walked up to the zoo keeper, smiled at him warmly, took him by the hand and led him to a nearby supply cupboard.

"I demand that you let me ride a tiger!" Pansy screamed at a quaking junior zoo keeper.

"But we can't let you ride any of the animals," The poor boy squeaked.

Pansy continued to glare at the boy as a giraffe strolled past behind him, Jayne Jarvis seated on it's back.

"Trip darling," she called to a Ravenclaw boy who was following her on a llama, "you must buy me one of these!"

"Yes darling," The boy replied.

Pansy snapped her fingers and Theodore Nott walked up to the zoo keeper, waggled an eyebrow, took him by the hand and led him to a nearby supply cupboard.

"They've been married less than a fortnight and my son is already well whipped," Professor Jarvis said, from her seat on one of the conveniently placed benches, she turned to the woman sitting next to her, "good job raising that one, Ariadne."

"Thank you Lady Jarvis," Ari said.

Tonks scoffed, "Jayne's had Trip whipped since they first met."

"This is absolutely ridiculous," Draco fumed, "Why are we at a muggle Zoo anyway?"

"It's a muggle studies project," Blaise Zabini said, wholly uninterested in Draco's opinion.

"Why do we have to go on a fucking muggle studies field trip?" Draco yelled.

"Because there's only one seventh year student that does muggle studies, and there's no point in only taking one student on a field trip." Tracey suggested.

"Who the fuck does seventh year muggle studies?" Draco asked in disbelief.

"Ernie McMillain," Blaise said.

"Oh that poof!" Draco yelled, "he would take fucking muggle studies." Suddenly in a flash of beige Draco was knocked to the ground. "What the fuck was that?"

"I believe it was Michael Corner riding an enlarged meerkat." Blaise said, walking away from Draco, bitch-draco and the drones.

"Morag!" Jayne shouted, riding up to the elephant enclosure, "I just gave Miss Bingley a makeover, what do you think?" She gestured to the giraffe's face, which was covered in cheap make up.

"Oh that's lovely," Morag said, enthusiastically, "how do you think I did on Mr Collins here?" She gestured to the elephant she was sitting on.

"Fantastic!" Jayne said.

"I found the rhinos!" Mandy screamed, as she hurtled past, clinging to the horn of a rhinoceros, which was at the head of a small stampede.

"What do you mean I can't ride a fucking lion?" Harry Potter screamed at a senior zoo keeper, "Do you know who I fucking well am? I'm Harry fucking Potter!"

"I don't care if you're the Queen of fucking England,"The zoo keeper yelled, "You can't ride the bloody animals."

Harry and Ron snapped their fingers and Neville Longbottom walked up to the senior zoo keeper, smiled sweetly and promptly head butted him, knocking the man unconscious. Harry and Ron opened the cage while Neville stood there, trying to look innocent, but really, he had the same evil streak as his mother. Meanwhile Padma, Terry and Anthony rode past a Bengal tiger, a slightly enlarged cheetah and a dromedary respectively.

"Albus," Minerva hissed, "the Ravenclaws are acting entirely inappropriately. They are risking the exposure of the world and by Merlin, it's Harry Potter riding a lion!"

"And Mr Weasley looking quite at home atop that lioness," Dumbledore smiled.

"My lion's a girl?" Ron asked incredulously.

"Honestly Ronald," Hermione started, riding a significantly enlarged otter. "don't you know anything?"

"What was that about the Ravenclaws?" Dumbledore asked as several Slytherins sauntered past on greatly enlarged komodo dragons. "And it would appear that the Slytherins have visited the reptile house."

"Ostrich!" Lisa Turpin yelled riding past on an ostrich.

"Warthog!" Su Li screamed, following on a warthog.

"Chameleon!" Kevin cried.

"Platypus!" Paul added, "nature's T student!"

"Who were they?" McGonagall asked.

"Misses Turpin and Li I believe," the headmaster smiled whilst eyeing up a mountain goat. "With Messers Entwhistle and Runcorn if I'm not mistaken."

"To war!" Trip screamed.

All the teachers spun around and stared in shock at the Slytherins, Ravenclaws and Gryffindors who were all mounted on various animals. The Hufflepuffs were acting as cheerleaders.

"And Mandy Brocklehust atop her rhino Lady Catherine DeBourgh quickly takes out Tracey Davis!" shouted Acacia who with the other Scarlet Whores (sans Andromeda) was commentating the event.

"Slytherin makes to attack Gryffindor, but Ravenclaw attacks both from the side, hexes are flying everywhere." Alice added.

"Pansy Parkinson has been killed," Tonks yelled, "No wait, she's back, she really does have more horcruxes than Voldemort."

"Son of a bitch!" Jayne screamed.

"Jayne!" Ari yelled, "Language, we are, after all, setting an example for the school!"

* * *

"Well Albus," Electra said to Albus after the animals had been returned, the zoo keepers successfully obliviated and the students had been piled back into the bus, "an overall successful day. Ernie gets an O on his assignment, everyone had a rippingly splendid time, and Theo and Michael both got laid."

"Brilliant," Albus said, "Wouldn't you agree Minerva?"

Minerva simply scowled.

Professor Kitteridge turned to her daughter, "Well your step father will be kicking himself for refusing to come when he hears about this."


	2. The seaside

"By the sea Mister Snape, that's the life I covet, by the sea Mister Snape, oh I know you'd love it, you and me Mister..." Ariadne stopped singing, "That doesn't really work does it? I should have thought this through better."

Professor Snape rolled his eyes at his wife.

Meanwhile the seventh year students were frolicking in the waters off the coast of Cornwall. Well most of them were frolicking in the waters. Granger was seated under a sun umbrella, absorbing knowledge from a large tome, predictably entitled 'Hogwarts: a history' while not far down the beach Blaise Zabini was tanning himself in a pair of swimming trunks as thin as dental floss. Regardless to say Michael Corner Theodore Nott, Ernie MacMillan and Seamus Finnegan couldn't bear to look at the dark boy without almost creaming themselves.

"It's so nice to see the students unwinding isn't it Professor Tonks?" Dumbledore, who was bedecked in his full, horizontal striped linen bathing suit, asked.

Nymphadora simply nodded, fearing that if she opened her mouth she would never stop laughing at the headmaster.

Suddenly there was a loud scream as Anthony Goldstein was attacked by a large aquatic beast. Suddenly the beast disappeared and Jayne surfaced holding Anthony's swimming shorts.

"He really is Jewish!" She declared.

"I could have told you that," Michael yelled, as Anthony blushed a very deep shade of red.

"He would have made a good scarlet whore," Ari managed to choke from her laughter. Even Professor Snape cracked a grin.

Sometime later Trip and Jayne were lying on the beach together. Michael Corner was still waist deep in the sea.

"Oh Trip," Jayne gushed, "isn't this romantic?"

"Bit too stereotypical for my tastes," Trip commented.

"Yeah same," Jayne said, "Look, a police boat. I wonder if we can sink it?"

Trip promptly threw a tree at it.

Followed by another 393 trees. Only one of which hit the target.

"Bullseye!" Trip cried and Jayne giggled.

They watched as it slowly sunk below the waves. A whirring distracted the pair.

Michael pointed into the sky at a passing rescue helicopter.

"Look," Jayne repeated, "a rescue helicopter. I wonder if we can sink that too?"

She hurled a fireball into the sky and hit the helicopter in one go."

"Nice aim m'dear."

"Thank you Trip darling," she returned.

A bubble of air promptly followed, surrounding the flaming mass as it fell to the sea where it bobbed along with the tide. Michael Corner darted from the water to avoid getting hit. His erection was evident in his clinging trunks.

"You been perving at my wife again," Trip called, laughing.

"No daaarling, I could see up your shorts from the water."


	3. The Night of the Hens

A/N: just so we're clear, this chapter is based in a strip club…

"Cover your eyes! You're a married woman for fuck's sake!"

Jayne felt rather than saw her mother's hands come down over her face, blocking her sight from the rather attractive stripper.

"Morag Sarah MacDougal!"

Jayne giggled as Ari's anger was then focused on Morag.

"How dare you hire a muggle stripper!"

Despite not being able to see everything- or anything for that matter, Jayne could hear her mother-in-law snickering.

"Ari," Andromeda laughed, "don't forget what _you_ did on _your _hen's night."

Acacia snorted and Alice giggled.

"That," Ari said indignantly, "was _completely_ different."

"Oh yeah?" Electra asked, "how?"

"Well, one," here, Ari held up a finger, "it was a different time, two," another finger rose to join the first, "I wasn't already married and three," her finger carrying her own wedding ring came to attention, "three," she faltered.

"There is no three is there?" Electra guessed with a laugh.

Ari still held three fingers in the air, "three…" she trailed off.

Acacia snorted with laughter and glanced at Alice and Andromeda who both winked.

"Three…" Alice giggled.

"They weren't strippers, Andromeda stated before falling into a similar fit of giggles with her friend.

"They were hookers!" Acacia half roared, half slurred.

Jayne wrenched free of her mother's grip and stared at her in horror.

"What happened?" she gasped.

"Nothing," Ari replied but she really couldn't pull off the innocent face.

Acacia snorted again over her cocktail. "The night before your mum married your dad, she got SO pissed. It took five sober up potions in the morning and then we still had to postpone the wedding by a day."

Alice smirked at Ari, "she couldn't sit up straight, let alone walk down an aisle.

"Poor John," Andromeda grinned, "nice bloke he was. He was so worried it was cold feet, he was terrified that _she _was going to leave _him_."

Acacia blinked. "As if that was EVER going to happen. He was relieved in the end though, to know that it was just the mother of all hangovers."

Tonks looked at her mother and her friends before shaking her head.

"And then," Acacia continued, "just after the honeymoon, we all discovered she was three months pregnant with you."

"So that explains why Jayne is the way she is!" Morag laughed before being elbowed sharply in the ribs.

"Nah, Jayne here was fucked anyway." Alice laughed.

"I'll have you know that John and I enjoyed five years of marriage before we sealed my fate as a single mother." Ari interrupted.

"With a mother like Ari?" Andromeda continued as if Ari had never spoken, "she had no hope," she elbowed Ari who was staring, transfixed at the stripper who was now taking off his fireman's helmet.

"Look who's talking now Mrs Snape!" Tonks grinned not unlike her mother, "what's the dear old Professor going to say when he hears you had eyes for the stripper?"

"He'll laugh," she murmured softly, going slightly pale, "especially when he hears that it was her uncle."

"WHAT!?" Jayne and Morag cried simultaneously.

By luck, this was when the stripper actually noticed them.

"Ari? Is that you?"

"I wish it wasn't," she muttered darkly.

"My God, how are you? How's the kid? What brings you here?" he asked all three questions in one breath.

"You remember Jayne?"

He blinked and looked at her blankly, "who?"

"Known on all official documents as Neilson Prescott-Kitteridge. Jayne, meet your Uncle Mark."

Jayne waved shyly whilst still trying to keep her dinner down.

"Oh God," he said.

"Oh my God!" Morag gushed, "Jayne, you never said your uncle was so hot!"

Jayne glared at her friend.

"Never, ever say that again."

"Was your dad that hot?"

Jayne screamed, "MORAG!"

"All I'm saying, is your family is hot."

Su nodded in agreement.

Jayne went a violent shade of green and raced for the loos.

"LIGHTWEIGHT!" everyone called after her.

She returned and Ari rubbed her back soothingly.

"We'll work on your alcohol consumption my dear."

"Yeah," Alice agreed, "we'll make a drinker out of you yet."

Andromeda smiled kindly, "there's plenty of time for that."

"When we're done with you," Acacia slurred, "you'll be able to drink that husband of yours under the table."

"I don't know about that," Electra said, "he can definitely drink."

"Still a lightweight," Morag muttered loudly.

"Yeah well Morag, when you get married, I'll hire one of your uncles to strip for you, and then we'll see how long you last!" Jayne challenged.

"If any of my uncles were as hot as yours I could live with having six-toed webbed children with three eyes and tails."

"Oh no!" Tonks muttered.

"NO!" Andromeda cried in despair.

"Ew! Morag!" Jayne almost screamed.

"That's just… gross," Su whispered.

"Wrong," Alice shuddered.

"Way wrong," Acacia concurred.

"That is wrong on 394 different levels!" Ari scoffed.

The students stopped and stared at her.

"Never," they started together, "say that again. Ever."

Morag continued, "I had the hots for your husband until you said that."

Everyone laughed as Ari glared at Morag.

Three hours later, the group of women trooped up to the castle. (When I say 'trooped' I actually mean staggered. They were all pissed as fuck.)

The students separated from the adults and stumbled into the Ravenclaw common room, supporting each other. They giggled as they watched the boys tumble out of the fireplace, each of them as pissed as they were. With of course, the exception of Trip who waltzed through and brushed imaginary soot from his shoulder.

Michael Corner produced two bottles of whiskey and Su produced a bottle of gin whilst Mandy pulled a bottle of scotch from her handbag.

"Anyone fancy a drink?" Michael asked with a hiccup.

Trip snatched the gin from Su's hands and replaced it with a bottle of vodka.

Jayne blinked and stared at her husband, "where's my vodka then?"

Trip unscrewed the bottle of gin and took a swig, pulling Jayne to his side. He leant down and whispered something in her ear that made her giggle and blush. Grabbing her husband's hand, she grinned and lead him to their private room.

A/N. now, most of this is pure Jayne… the mention of Ari's own hen night, the accusation of drinking whilst pregnant, the post piss-up piss-up… Jayne…Morag saying something about webbed, tailed, three eyed children… and the fact that the stripper was Jayne's uncle… that's Trip. Just so as we're clear on that. (He was the one responsible for the Carrows chapter and the twins chapter in RCOSS so I fear it could be an ongoing theme)


	4. Going Stag!

A/N: we were drunk… AND BEHOLD!

Chapter Four: Venison Anyone?

Trip stormed into the Gryffindor common room, 'right, what's wrong?'

'Harry wants to come,' Remus answered.

'No,' Trip said sternly to the scar-headed boy-wonder, 'and your boyfriend can't come either.'

'Why not?'

'Because I plain just don't like you,' Trip sneered bluntly, 'oi, Neville, you coming or what?'

'Yeah, why not?' Neville grinned, 'leaving from Ravenclaw?'

'Nah, Remus' office,' was the reply.

'Sweet,' Neville said as he exited through the portrait hole.

'So Neville gets to go and I don't?' Harry asked incredulously.

'Y'see, the thing is Mate, I like Neville, I don't like you, so sorry, but fuck off.'

'But Remus is going!' Harry pouted.

'That's Professor Lupin,' Remus piped up in the background.

'Yes but he is married to the woman who is practically my sister-in-law.'

'Tonks is Kitteridge's sister?'

'One, that's Jarvis and two, it's metaphorically speaking you moron,' Trip remarked sarcastically.

'But I'm the Boy-Who-Lived!' Harry exclaimed.

'Well,' Trip started, 'I don't give a shit.'

With that, Trip and Remus turned and left the Gryffindor common room and headed for Remus' office.

Two hours later, Trip sat in his living room, stone cold sober. Michael, Paul, Terry, Anthony, Kevin, Neville, Professors Lupin and Snape and Ted Tonks were all passed out on the floor, their wallets empty. Trip sat comfortably in an armchair, counting money and flicking through infomercials. There was a knock on the door and a woman was shown into the room.

'Raving party this is,' the woman commented.

'And you are?'

'The name's Sindy, with an 'S' I'm a stripper,'

'Hmm, name sounds sexy, who hired a stripper?'

'Some guy named Terry?'

'NO!' Trip yelled in disbelief, 'Michael yeah but Terry? Never!'

'The check was signed by Terence Josiah Boot.'

'You're shitting me.'

'No,' the stripper replied, 'so who's the groom?'

'That would be me.'

'Right, you're the groom and you're _not _drunk?'

'Due to a constant state of intoxication for an entire year two years ago, I have since been incapable of getting drunk,' Trip explained simply.

'Impressive,' Sindy said, 'so, a lap-dance?'

'I don't know. Whatever really,' Trip stated, 'I'd rather just sit here and talk, I am, after all, already married.'

'Already? But this is a stag do?'

'Yes, but we didn't do that shit before hand, no time, the Mrs is out at a strip-club now with the girls and my mother.'

'Your mother's at a strip-club? How old is she?' Sindy asked, sitting down.

'Officially- according to her, she's forty-five, really she's more like fifty-something,' Trip snickered.

Sindy giggled, 'so, what do you want to talk about?'

'How about the meaning of life?'

A further three hours later Sindy was still sitting with Trip whilst the others "slept" on.

She stared at him in awe, 'so that's the meaning of life?'

'Essentially, yes,' Trip answered from over his glass of brandy.

Sindy put her glass down, 'listen, I'm sorry, Trip, but your friend only paid for three hours, I should be going.'

'I understand,' Trip smiled, 'have a good night, and really, if you want to get into Oxford, my mother-in-law, she's got some great connections, just give us a call.'

She grinned and was escorted out.

Michael and Neville started to come to.

'Holy shit, what the fuck happened?' Michael asked Trip who was walking around kicking the rest of his guests.

'Well, first you had your filthy way with every single one of them, starting with Neville, then Severus, and ending with Terry. Then you managed to knock yourself out. Rather impressive really. The others all conked out as well, and I'm now onto my seventy-third glass of gin and that's not counting the twenty-four glasses of brandy.'

'I had sex with _everyone_?' Michael asked, excited.

'I had sex?' Terry asked, worried.

'No,' Trip replied, laughing, 'you just passed out, fucking lightweights.'

Severus groaned as he received a rather painful kick to the face.

'Wake up Daddy!' Trip ordered, 'get off my living room floor!'

They all moaned as they staggered towards the fireplace, Terry taking his time.  
'Shift it Virgin-Boy!' Trip yelled as he grabbed a couple of bottles on his way.

Trip walked gracefully into the fireplace and was immediately transported to the Ravenclaw common room. He glanced around in surprise to see the girls had seemingly just arrived back from their night out.

Trip watched as Michael pulled out two bottles of whiskey and Su produce a bottle of gin as Mandy lugged a bottle of scotch out of her handbag.

'Anyone fancy a drink?' Michael asked with a hiccup.

Trip wondered where Michael found the booze and where he had been hiding it, he knew Michael didn't have a bag. He snatched the gin out of Su's hand and gave her in return a bottle of vodka.

Jayne blinked, 'where's my vodka then?' she asked, batting her eyelashes at her husband.

Trip uncapped the gin and took a swig before leaning down to her ear as he pulled her against his side.

'You, me, handcuffs and a garden hose, any questions?' he whispered with a smirk.

Jayne giggled (seriously) and really (actually) blushed. She grabbed his hand and with a grin, led him to their private room.

The next morning Trip stormed into the Great Hall followed by a dishevelled and hardly able to walk (but very satisfied) Jayne.

'Terrence Josiah Boot!'

Those who had been present at either parties the previous night cringed in a hungover state.

'How dare you hire a stripper!?'

Several gasps could be heard around the room.

'I'm in looooooooove with a stripper!' Ron crooned.

'Somnna!' Trip cried, his wand pointing at the now sleeping Gryffindor.

'I didn't hire a stripper,' Terry squeaked.

'I missed a stripper?' Severus and Remus muttered in unison, disappointed.

Nymphadora and Ariadne smacked their husbands up the back of their heads and into their breakfasts in response.

'What was her name?' Jayne asked with a smirk.

'Sindy, with an "S", I know,' Trip grinned.

'Sounds sexy.'

'That's what I said,' Trip rounded on Michael, 'Michael Gabriel Corner!'

'Gabriel?' several people muttered.

'How dare you forge Terry's signature to hire a stripper!'

'Which time are you referring to?'

'Before it was just last night but now, all of them!' Trip screamed, 'who taught you that?'

'Your mother,' Michael said, returning to his breakfast, wholly disinterested.

'What?' Electra called from the staff table between Severus and Remus who were both still wiping porridge from their faces, 'he was good at it, really.'

'Oh, well as long as he's good at it, it's okay,' Trip grinned as he sat down to breakfast with his wife.

Terry launched himself across the table to tackle Michael.


End file.
